I have been relatively quiet since returning in April after a month long trip to Africa. It has been a long time spent in the desert, dealing with several issues and on many different levels. So many thoughts and emotions have run through my being and I just now, in the middle of Summer, am starting to feel like attempting to articulate what God has done - is doing; what He is impressing on my heart.
I share the following journal entries leading up to, during, and after, the March trip -more as a starting place of reconnecting heat to mind and thought to paper. I find that looking back at where we were can sometimes illuminate and clarify the present. So disregard or read the next few posts as I indulge myself on memories and past thoughts.
MV
6/30/2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
I read this today: ‘to continue to dream after God has spoken to us is a sign that we do not trust Him’. How do we know what God has spoken to us? And what dreams may come? How many times must we day dream, envision, or live out in our dream-life as we slumber the desires of our heart before we trust those passions to be the Spirit of God leading us down his road…toward the Cross of Jesus? Will the Lord speak to me on the road I travel? Or will I live my life wondering if I am to dream or do? The God who sent his Son will send his people and the Lord has calls us to obedience not out of fear but in reaction to a love imputed to us. O’ God help me dream and guide my path.
Monday, February 27, 2006
The sun shone through the window as I awoke and looked outside. There was a brief moment of clarity, stillness, and a peaceful lack of thought. In moments, the world rushed into my mind inundating me with the thoughts of things to be done, worries, doubts, and dreams. First thing this morning I am thrown into the grind of work- no chance to work my way into it, just thrown right in. Lord, give me your peace. Spirit, focus my thoughts on the Father and get me through this day.
I do not presume to know the will of the Lord. By His grace, I will have faith to trust his leading, knowing that every step I take is directed by Him, through Him, for Him, and towards Him. Apart from His grace I can do nothing- so much completed today and yet so much to do. I am exhausted by the workload. How incredible that God would encourage me throughout the day with messages from friends who genuinely care about my state of being and welfare- that I would get encouragement from those I least expect. It’s amazing how God just touches us with his grace in so many different and small ways. I am encouraged by scripture that comes into mind during the day, by a smile, by a kind word or hearing about the blessings and events happening in other peoples lives – it all warms my heart.
I got a phone call from my closest and longest friend last week. There is a story behind the blessing God provided in the fact that he called me. I have not been able to write about this and perhaps tonight will be the beginning of that process, the process of dealing with my emotions and thoughts around our friendship and our respective positions with the Father. He has been very different since my conversion, since Christ filled my heart, taking what was dead and giving it life. It has not been easy for him to grasp the change in me and I have not been very eloquent in articulating it. Sometimes we fear rejection from those we most dearly love and so we edit ourselves, protect our fragile selves from ridicule and rejection. When we first went to Africa he was very resentful and angry at me for taking my family into ‘danger’, putting them at risk. He did not and still struggles with the economics of our Africa ministry: we go at a great cost and with risk and what is our return? So we give much and gain little; bad business. He cannot see the ‘why’ and ‘what for’ of going to the slums of Africa- I emphasize ‘cannot’, because he spiritually cannot understand why we go. And I love him more for not being able to see the great profit for us in this transaction. He is lost and I love him. And I pray for God’s mercy, that God’s glorious gospel would shine in his heart. I must write more of this tomorrow. We leave for Kenya in 11 days.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I have to be honest when putting my thoughts down in this journal. I pray that God will give me the humbleness to write purely, unedited, and freely. What a morning- so much chaos and anger and craziness from **! **** seems depressed and distant; I don’t know why so I’ll ask later today and also pray for ***. In the midst of a challenging beginning to the day I keep reminding myself to ‘seek first the kingdom’ and all other things will be added. I started off with Wednesday prayer group- hard to pray in a restaurant but it’s hard to pray sometimes alone on an island with no distractions- so I rely on God’s sovereign Grace.
Amos tells us in the Old Testament that God is eternal and everlasting but that His patience has its limits. Well I have my limits too apparently and I was pushed to it today with ** and the way the morning went. Actions will have consequences and even perfect love can loose patience with the object it desires to love. So, God help me to be the father you want me to be and for my children, pour your Grace into their lives, change their hearts, focussing them on your Son.
Monday, February 20, 2006
I read this today: ‘to continue to dream after God has spoken to us is a sign that we do not trust Him’. How do we know what God has spoken to us? And what dreams may come? How many times must we day dream, envision, or live out in our dream-life as we slumber the desires of our heart before we trust those passions to be the Spirit of God leading us down his road…toward the Cross of Jesus? Will the Lord speak to me on the road I travel? Or will I live my life wondering if I am to dream or do? The God who sent his Son will send his people and the Lord has calls us to obedience not out of fear but in reaction to a love imputed to us. O’ God help me dream and guide my path.
Monday, February 27, 2006
The sun shone through the window as I awoke and looked outside. There was a brief moment of clarity, stillness, and a peaceful lack of thought. In moments, the world rushed into my mind inundating me with the thoughts of things to be done, worries, doubts, and dreams. First thing this morning I am thrown into the grind of work- no chance to work my way into it, just thrown right in. Lord, give me your peace. Spirit, focus my thoughts on the Father and get me through this day.
I do not presume to know the will of the Lord. By His grace, I will have faith to trust his leading, knowing that every step I take is directed by Him, through Him, for Him, and towards Him. Apart from His grace I can do nothing- so much completed today and yet so much to do. I am exhausted by the workload. How incredible that God would encourage me throughout the day with messages from friends who genuinely care about my state of being and welfare- that I would get encouragement from those I least expect. It’s amazing how God just touches us with his grace in so many different and small ways. I am encouraged by scripture that comes into mind during the day, by a smile, by a kind word or hearing about the blessings and events happening in other peoples lives – it all warms my heart.
I got a phone call from my closest and longest friend last week. There is a story behind the blessing God provided in the fact that he called me. I have not been able to write about this and perhaps tonight will be the beginning of that process, the process of dealing with my emotions and thoughts around our friendship and our respective positions with the Father. He has been very different since my conversion, since Christ filled my heart, taking what was dead and giving it life. It has not been easy for him to grasp the change in me and I have not been very eloquent in articulating it. Sometimes we fear rejection from those we most dearly love and so we edit ourselves, protect our fragile selves from ridicule and rejection. When we first went to Africa he was very resentful and angry at me for taking my family into ‘danger’, putting them at risk. He did not and still struggles with the economics of our Africa ministry: we go at a great cost and with risk and what is our return? So we give much and gain little; bad business. He cannot see the ‘why’ and ‘what for’ of going to the slums of Africa- I emphasize ‘cannot’, because he spiritually cannot understand why we go. And I love him more for not being able to see the great profit for us in this transaction. He is lost and I love him. And I pray for God’s mercy, that God’s glorious gospel would shine in his heart. I must write more of this tomorrow. We leave for Kenya in 11 days.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I have to be honest when putting my thoughts down in this journal. I pray that God will give me the humbleness to write purely, unedited, and freely. What a morning- so much chaos and anger and craziness from **! **** seems depressed and distant; I don’t know why so I’ll ask later today and also pray for ***. In the midst of a challenging beginning to the day I keep reminding myself to ‘seek first the kingdom’ and all other things will be added. I started off with Wednesday prayer group- hard to pray in a restaurant but it’s hard to pray sometimes alone on an island with no distractions- so I rely on God’s sovereign Grace.
Amos tells us in the Old Testament that God is eternal and everlasting but that His patience has its limits. Well I have my limits too apparently and I was pushed to it today with ** and the way the morning went. Actions will have consequences and even perfect love can loose patience with the object it desires to love. So, God help me to be the father you want me to be and for my children, pour your Grace into their lives, change their hearts, focussing them on your Son.
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