Confession 2.0: Generosity

I have never really given you anything. This truth is not hidden as you know the matter well. I truly long to repay you, yet it is funny how you never even hint at repaying you for what you freely gave. Nevertheless, I find myself shuffling around my room searching for something, anything, that I might give to you in return as a token of my appreciation. Rummaging around I find a piece of cut glass which when held just right, bounces light with such brilliance, like sunlight diffused by the afternoon clouds. This I could give and I would miss it, but it wouldn’t quite measure up to what you have given me. Next I pour over my books. Rows and rows of such beautiful thoughts and inspiration! Perhaps I will give you the prose from one of my favorite poets? But not even his lofty and rich words come close to voicing my gratitude. As I search and search through my possessions I find nothing- not a thing of significance. In fact, if I searched the world over looking in every treasure box or kingly palace I would never find that one token of my love for you that measures up to what you first gave.

If I am honest I rarely give not wanting something in return.

“What do you demand of me? What do you desire in return? Did you first give so that I would give you something back? Did you need something from me?”

You see, this is difficult grasp: you give asking nothing in return. If you need nothing, lack nothing, are perfectly content in yourself, then why the generosity? Why give? Why initiate communion with me? I didn’t want you. I wasn’t looking for you. At the heart of the matter lies distrust. I have to wonder what your motivation is. What do you want? What are you after and, why me? There’s nothing special about me. There are plenty of other people I would rather spend time with. What do you see that I do not see in myself? Is there something at stake here: Your reputation? For the life of me I can’t see any reason for generosity. In fact, aren’t you the one taking the risk in this relationship? What if I screw up? What if I do something that embarrasses you? What then?

“Be holy for I am holy.’

It is interesting how much value I inherently place upon the gift of your generosity. Innately I know that it is precious. What you have given is beyond valuation, beyond measuring its worth. I take great joy in the fact that by your spirit I can rightly savor the supreme value of your gift: the gift of yourself. In apprehending the gift I have thereby apprehended you O’ great prize!

‘Who is this that stoops down to give a beggar a pearl?’

What generosity! What kindness as well! "Let us set our hope on God who richly provides everything for us to enjoy.” I will define benevolence as this: generosity in kindness.

‘Your portion is full and you have not held back!
In giving all you have abandoned any regard for self-preservation.
O’ how fear filled I am! How greedy too!
Rarely giving all and always storing away provision for myself.
Do I not trust you? Have you not shown me a better way?

Your response,

‘Lay it down! All of it; lay it down!
Pour all of it out and know that you will be replenished.
Leave room for a miracle in your life.
Let the giver give, as he is so kind to do.
What will I withhold from you my son?’

‘But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to is own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit’ (Titus 3: 4-5)

How do we define generosity? What or how much must one give? What did you give us o’ giver? Must generosity give something of value? Value is not always axiomatic; often those to whom generosity is being directed define the value of a thing. How much do you want it? How badly do you desire it?

‘O’ great gift, did I first desire you? This is what I do not understand: how is it that you desired me who is of little value, while I desired you not who is most valuable? You love me and because of love you were kind to me, generously kind towards me who does not deserve the least significant gift.’

You gave generously. You gave yourself. What greater gift could have been given? Perhaps the night sky scooped into a silver chalice for me to gaze upon and swirl around like a liquid dream. Or perhaps you could have given me the fame of men who would hold me in high regard for man is a respecter of other men. Perhaps like Solomon I could have been entrusted with storehouses of riches, wielding wealth and wisdom like a two edged sword. But ultimately you gave me none of these. For if you had, you would not truly be generous! You own the stars, created fame and fortunes. No, you knew which gift would be befitting for one who is truly generous.

‘I will be glorified!’ ‘I am beginning to understand. I think you must have created all of this, made everything including me, so that every aspect of your creation would glorify you. You necessarily demand to be worshiped. You bow to no one and all will bow before you.’

We are so quick to love the gifts more than the giver! That’s why you gave us yourself. For to love the gift is to love the giver! In loving you we love the gift. You are the pearl! You are the prize! There is no greater act of generosity or fuller display of kindness than what you have shown me in the gift of your son. Amen.